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Kayla (00:07):
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Routine Drama. My name is Kayla. I am your host. And today I'm actually filming pretty early in the morning before work.
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I am still having my coffee and trying to get ahead on some episodes here because I'm actually going on a trip in a couple weeks and I'm definitely not going to be able to film for at least a week. So, trying to evolve my process and see how I can start recording more content so that I have more to edit so that I don't miss a week because I am a perfectionist and I hate lack of consistency. I really want to make sure that I can hit every Monday's episode launch date so that I can kind of just keep this thing going.
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The annoying thing about filming in the morning is I think you're going to see it get brighter and brighter in the background of my video, but not a lot I can do. I can't keep the sun down.
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So for today's topic, I wanted to elaborate on something that I had touched on in a previous episode, and that is using Facebook groups to make new friends.
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So in Episode 8 I talked about how it's difficult to make friends when you work remotely and gave some suggestions for ways that people who work from home can make new friends. And one of those suggestions was using Facebook groups.
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But the way that Facebook groups kind of work and just the internal mini-culture that happens within them can be a little bit confusing if you aren't used to using them. It took me a while to actually get the hang of it and actually successfully meet people that I liked from the Facebook groups. So that's what I'm talking about today.
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So I don't think it's a secret that Facebook groups exist as a tool that can help you make friends, but I think a lot of us just don't really know how to utilize them in a way that actually does produce fun social interactions. There's definitely things that I think a lot of us try that just don't seem to work. You see these Facebook groups in your area and you think, "Oh, I can join this and make some friends," you join, maybe even post in the page, and nothing happens. At least that was definitely my experience.
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When I first moved to this area, I didn't really know anyone super nearby. I was again working from home and wanted to find a way to make new friends, specifically female friends, and there are a lot of Facebook groups that kind of cater to that. So I joined some of them that kind of cater to women living in the DC area or the larger DMV area, and I would follow the posts or look at the events that people would set up, and I just didn't ever really find anything that I felt like, "I want to go to that."
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I'm in my 30s. And it seemed like a lot of the people posting in some of the groups I was in, especially the really big ones, were more in their 20s, looking to go out clubbing or go out as a singles group to meet guys. Which is all great, but that's just not the phase of my life that I'm in right now.
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So I kind of lost a little bit of hope in Facebook groups being an option for meeting new people and just carried on with my life. And the thing is, if you aren't trying to make friends and you aren't in a ton of social situations for work or any other reason, time can go by very quickly. And before you know it, it was like a year plus later, I was still kind of in the same situation. I had a different job now, but it was still remote, so I'm still not interacting with coworkers a lot and I'm not meeting anyone in a social way. But I knew I needed to do something.
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I generally am pretty content just being on my own, doing kind of the introvert thing, but I do know it's not really healthy to live like that just because human beings do need social interaction of some kind. That's how we're programmed. So I was like, "Okay, let me try to make something happen again."
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So I think I really just had to be like, "Okay, Kayla, you've got to try harder. You didn't try that hard last time. Let's make a more concerted effort here." I tried to think about, "Okay, if I am not willing to go into downtown DC to meet people, where would I be willing to meet people? Are there women's groups for that area?" And so that's what I started searching for in the Facebook groups.
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And I live in a pretty densely populated area, so it wasn't too hard to find girls' groups focused on the areas that I would be willing to travel to. So I joined some of those. And then I also looked for groups related to hobbies or interests that I enjoy. So groups for women who like to work out, groups for women who like going to wine and food nights, things like that. And found a couple more of those, joined those.
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And then once I started checking in on those groups on a daily or weekly basis and signing up to go to events and actually going and then meeting people there, that's really how I started to build more of a social life for myself. And then as I would go to more and more events, I would run into some of the same girls over and over again and kind of developed friendships that way.
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I think it's important for me to say I am going to be mostly talking about finding girls-only groups and ladies-only groups to join just because I am more comfortable in that environment. It's not that I'm against co-ed groups, I'm not, and I know not all men are going to be creepy or going to events to try to hit on people. There are specific events for things like that, but there are also co-ed groups for people who enjoy running and, you know, I see the benefit of not making it exclusive to women.
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But I also just personally feel like I can relax a bit more and not have to kind of be on guard for how I'm interacting with someone if I know that it's only women. Sometimes—I don't know—I'm a pretty friendly person, I make a lot of jokes, I laugh a lot. And sometimes if I am in a social situation and I'm just being myself with a guy, they kind of tend to take that as a romantic or sexual interest, and that is generally just not the case. And then I feel bad cus they're getting the wrong signals, and then I also feel bad because I feel like I can't be myself.
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And so for me it just really uncomplicates things to go to events that are specific to women. So that's why I choose to join the female groups and go to the women's-only events just because it makes things a little bit easier for me and kind of removes one more thing that could potentially lead me to talking myself out of going somewhere.
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And that kind of gets into one of the things I want to mention in terms of what doesn't seem to work for making friends via Facebook: joining the really large general groups. I'm sure people have made friends through those, but it is a lot harder because there's tons of people in there.
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I think, some of the ones for DC, there are millions of people in those Facebook groups, and the majority of people don't actually interact with the group or go to events. It's really, really hard to find the people who you would actually have more in common with in those groups just because they are so vast.
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So rather than joining the really big generalized Facebook groups, I would recommend joining smaller, more specific groups, like I mentioned. Looking for a specific neighborhood that you'd be willing to travel to or looking for if you want women's-only groups, if you want maybe mom-focused groups, if you want dad-focused groups, if you want college-student focused groups, people are really creative and there's probably a Facebook group for whatever you're looking for.
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If there's not, you can always create one also. But I think when you narrow it down even a little bit, then when you join those groups and you interact with the people who are in them, it's much easier to feel like you've found your people. And when you go to events that those groups post, it feels a lot more natural. You have a little bit more in common with those people versus just going to event where it's just a general pool of the surrounding population.
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There are Facebook groups for all kinds of hobbies. So if you have a hobby, try joining a group centered around that. Running, fitness, baking, there's a lot of book club Facebook, groups and those can actually be very fun if you're a bit of a nerd like me. But yeah, just see how you can make your search for groups to join a little bit more specific. And then once you start going to events for those groups it's just a lot more fun and I think you have a better chance of meeting people that you actually want to be friends with that way.
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One thing that I see a lot of people do in Facebook groups when they join them that I think just—it has really good intentions, I just think it doesn't really work to help you make friends—is someone will join a group and they'll post and introduce themselves—which is great, it's nice to kind of e-meet someone before they come to an event. But sometimes people just post like, "Oh, I'm new to the area, I really need girlfriends. I don't have any friends here. Let's hang out," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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And I get it, you want to make friends, but it comes off a little bit intense, and I think it's also because it's so centered on you and "I need friends, someone be friends with me." It just kind of makes it feel like if someone's going to be friends with you or make an attempt to hang out with you, it's going to be all about you in that scenario. And I think the key to having good friendships with people is letting it be a bit about them too. And maybe that isn't how you would actually behave in real life if you meet up, but it kind of comes across that way online.
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And so I think that posting and being like, "Who wants to be my friend? Let's do this and this and this and this," I just don't think that really works out super well for a lot of people.
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But what you can do is, rather than just posting on the general group page and being like, "Who wants to be friends?" you can go through the upcoming events, see what's happening. The smaller groups especially tend to be better at creating events because it's a more tight-knit community than the big general groups. So here, there's usually multiple events going on every week. Find one that you would be interested in that you want to go to and go to it. Don't just say that you're interested or say that you're going and then back out at the last minute. You do actually have to go to events and meet people in real life if you want to make friends. You just do. But sign up to attend an event and then you can post in that event page within the larger Facebook group that like, "Hey, I'm really excited to come to this. This is going to be my first time. Looking forward to meeting you." Something like that.
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And that just makes it a little bit more about, "Oh, I'm excited for the experience of this event" versus "I'm really excited and I really want to make friends, somebody be friends with me. Me, me, me." It makes it more of a community thing and I think just makes you a little bit more approachable.
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And in the girls-only groups that I'm in, everyone is really nice. There's not a lot of cattiness. Everyone knows why they're there. And people in DC especially—this is a very transient area in terms of you have a lot of military, a lot of government workers, a lot of political-affiliated people coming in and leaving all the time—so it is difficult for people here to make friends and everyone's really accepting of that and will really try to make an effort to welcome you into a group if you're new.
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But yeah, try to make it about the group and show that you're excited to be there and make friends that way versus kind of posting an ad on a general group page and being like, "Hi, I'm now taking applications for friends."
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Another thing that I think really doesn't work and will probably really dissuade you from wanting to use Facebook groups is if you join the groups or go to a group event with the expectation that you are going to meet your best friends there. You might. But if you go with that expectation, I think there's a better chance you're going to be disappointed versus actually have a good time.
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So this is something that I've talked about in Episode 8 about making friends when you work remotely: I think we get so eager to meet new people and have those really close friendships that you show up to these events and then, if you don't feel a super great connection with some of the people there, you're like, "Well, this isn't my group. I guess this one isn't for me." And you just stop trying.
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But I would say, don't do that. Just look at it as, "Oh, this one event? This is a social activity for me. This is going to be fun because I'm getting out of the house and I'm meeting new people and I'm talking with new people and I'm socializing." If you look at it as an opportunity to socialize, you can control that because you can go to the event, you are being social, mission accomplished. But if you look at it as, "I have to meet friends here, I need to meet my best friend," you can't control that. And there's just a way better chance that you're going to feel like you failed because you haven't met a best friend at this event. But it's something out of your control.
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So I think it is more helpful to have that kind of positive reinforcement for yourself, frame it mentally as something that you can do, you did it, good job, success. You socialized. And then go to more events in the future. And I think that it'll make you feel good, it will get you that kind of social interaction, and the more events you go to, the more likely you are to meet other people who you can actually be friends with.
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I will say it does feel awkward at first to go to an event or a wine night or a dinner and not know anyone there yet and just kind of make small talk. But I do think that the more you go to, the more you see the same people and you do eventually make friends. Friendship doesn't always feel like an amazing spark of like, "Oh my God, we have so much in common right away."
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But if you want to eventually have that moment with someone where you feel like, "Oh, we're really good friends," you do kind of need to keep making an effort. Unfortunately, friendship is also a relationship and, any relationship, it doesn't really just happen. If you think relationships just happen, the people you're in relationships with are probably doing a lot of work for you. You do need to make an effort to show up, to show an interest in the people you're talking with, and to make the opportunity to have a deeper friendship with someone possible.
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If you have some anxiety about going to a Facebook meetup and it's something you haven't done before, check out Episode 5. I recorded that a little while ago about how to kind of start something new, and I think a lot of that mindset applies to this. You don't really have an anchor of people that you know are going to be there yet. It feels very vulnerable. But I think if you just say like, "Hey, I'm going to get out there and try this and put that effort in," it can be really rewarding.
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I started going to these group meetups not knowing anyone, and now that I've gone to quite a few, I would say I have five to six solid friendships with girls now that we have things in common, we can go to these events and just talk and talk and talk, and it's like we're trying not to talk over each other because we have so much that we have in common and want to share. I think that is a great scenario to be in, but I wouldn't have been able to have that experience without also going through the initial kind of awkward experience of not knowing people very well.
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You've just kind of got to get through that phase and acknowledge you're doing something good for you to then get to the part where it's really fun and natural and not a big deal to you at all.
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I do also think that the algorithms for things like Facebook or if you sign up for events through an app like Eventbrite or something like that, it does kind of take them a while to warm up to the kinds of things you like. Eventbrite, specifically, I had such a hard time finding things to do there. I knew there were a lot of events in my area and I just could never find them in that app.
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I would be searching for "wine night," "dinner night," "happy hour tasting menu," and could never find them, but I would see girls posting the links to events in the Facebook groups, and I was like, "Why can't I find these?" It's really frustrating. But I think if you spend some time really going through the Facebook group page and show interest in a bunch of events, I think it'll be easier for you to find those kinds of things in the future. And same with Eventbrite: Go through and follow the restaurants or organizations that are putting on the events that you enjoy going to, follow them, like a bunch of events that are within your interest area, and then the app will kind of learn, "Oh, this person would like to see more of this," and it'll be a little bit easier for you to find them.
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However, even on Eventbrite now, I've followed tons of restaurant pages. I've liked all kinds of events. I've purchased tickets to events. I've attended events. And it will still show me recommendations for tech conferences, I guess because I worked in tech for a bit. But, I don't know, I think the algorithms could be a little bit more friendly to those of us who are trying to find things to do, but they are a little janky as it currently stands. So just know it's not that there isn't anything going on in your area. It is probably the apps.
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I am really interested in talking about friendship because I am someone who was very shy and introverted for a huge portion of my life, and I also experienced a lot of anxiety specifically around social interactions, too. So I really enjoy talking about this topic and trying to tell people how you can use something as simple as a Facebook group to make friends.
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Because to me, it's amazing that I can do that, because for a very long time, this would've seemed impossible to me to just show up to a dinner and not know anyone and talk to people for three hours and leave and not feel weird or awkward about it. That's crazy to me. So I feel like I could film for three hours on this topic, but I don't want to make this that long.
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So I am going to end this video here, but if there is anything about making friends or finding ways to put yourself out there with other people, let me know if you want to hear about my experiences with anything like that. Or if you're like, "Wait, you said that, but you didn't go into any detail on it. Can you talk about that more?" Email me at routinedramapod@gmail.com. Drop a note in the form that is on the Spotify show notes. There's a little form, it asks you about what drama's going on in your life this week. You can leave a note there. I will see that. I see everything that you guys do, and I appreciate it so much when you engage with the podcast in any way.
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Every time someone sends me something even remotely positive, it is just really nice because this is a self-funded, self-hosted, self-produced, self-edited, self-everythinged podcast. And for someone to just be like, "Hey, this doesn't suck." I'm like, "That's great." What more could I want?
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But yeah, just as always, thank you for being here and for making this the best part of my Mondays, and I will see you next week.