Ep 8 - How to Make Friends When You Work Remotely

Me: Working from home, eating at home, sleeping at home... "Why don't I have more friends?"

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Transcript

Kayla (00:07):

Hello and welcome back to Routine Drama. I'm Kayla and I am interested in talking about the everyday dramas that cause friction in our lives and what we can do to navigate them a little bit better.

(00:23):

So if you're watching on YouTube, you can probably tell my background is different right now because [00:00:30] the microphone setup that I was using—and admittedly wasn't very good at—is not working for me anymore.

(00:37):

So rather, and then going back on the headset, which I just didn't really like, I thought I would give it a try recording out in my living room/dining room area (because... apartments), and I'm just going to try to do this on my MacBook's speaker.

(00:56):

So based on the testing I did, the audio shouldn't be any worse than [00:01:00] it was when I was using my headset. But we're going to give it a try, and I just feel like this is more ideal than me waiting for a new mic to arrive and get everything perfect and potentially push off filming another episode or two just because I'm waiting for everything to be just so.

(01:18):

If you listened to episode one, you'll know that I started this intentionally just accepting that it wasn't going to be great at the start.

(01:28):

But I do really [00:01:30] enjoy working on this, and it's been a fun hobby for me. So if you enjoy this episode at all or enjoy any of the episodes you've watched, please do subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, I even put this bitch on SoundCloud because, I don't know, why not? So far it's free.

(01:50):

I think once you hit a certain data limit, you do have to pay. But I'm kind of just having fun trying a little bit of everything. And yeah, if you want to experience [00:02:00] my podcasting journey with me and how I aim to grow this into an audience and also just hear about some daily life drama that you can probably relate to, then yeah, please do subscribe and I hope to see you in the comment section.

(02:22):

But for today, the topic that I really wanted to get into is something that I feel like I'm seeing a lot of [00:02:30] people struggle with and that is making friends.

(02:33):

I see people on Reddit of all ages just talking about how they're having a hard time finding new friends or maintaining friendships. In my age group (more of the 30 to, I would say between 30 and 40-year-olds), I think we are really hitting the point where it's like, 'Oh, everyone is so busy with their own lives."

(02:55):

It's hard to just make adult friendships. And sometimes it kind [00:03:00] of feels like if you don't have close friendships that you've maintained from other time periods of your life, that it feels almost impossible to make friends sometimes.

(03:11):

And even more specifically, what I really want to niche down into today is how to make friends when you work remotely. I know, since Covid, a lot of us were working remotely. Some of us still are working remotely, though I know there is a push to go back into office through a lot [00:03:30] of employers. But I still work remotely and I still really like it.

(03:34):

I would say the one downside is that it is very, very hard to make friends, especially if you have changed jobs while working remotely.

(03:43):

It can be very difficult to integrate into a new team and a new company and build those friendships with people because you're not in the office with them. And quite honestly, I think that's probably one of the most natural ways to make friends as an adult is to [00:04:00] just work in the same place as other people.

(04:03):

But if you work remotely, that is a lot harder. So that is what I'm going to get into today.

(04:08):

If you have ideas for other topics around friendships, making friends, maintaining friends, anything like that, I think this is something I'll probably touch on again in future episodes.

(04:21):

So share your thoughts, ask any questions, or things that you kind of would just like to hear someone else's perspective on, and [00:04:30] I'm happy to include them.

(04:31):

So why is it so difficult to make friends when you work remotely? I think it's just very natural to be friends with the people you work around.

(04:40):

You have instantly kind of a lot in common and kind of like a common enemy if nothing else, in that there's usually something about the job that's either your boss, or the hours, or traffic getting to work. There's going to be things that you experience the same as other people [00:05:00] you work with because you're in a similar environment.

(05:03):

When you take the similarity of environment away, you're kind of left with a much more raw, bare-bones, we have to be friends based on our sheer personality situation. And it can be really hard to turn that into a friendship.

(05:19):

There's no opportunity to go out to happy hours after work or do anything like that. So you really don't get any of that just [00:05:30] natural in-person bonding that happens when you work in an office.

(05:34):

That said, I still would not want to go back to working in an office full-time, but I have considered that if I needed to, that would be one potential upside to it.

(05:43):

But as things are, I would rather personally just try a little bit harder to make friends and continue working remotely. I think if you want to make friends in a remote setting or while working remotely, you do have to take a lot more initiative [00:06:00] in putting yourself out there and making yourself available in situations where you're around other people.

(06:08):

There are a couple of different ways that I have found can work to do this, but I would say it is kind of like a situation-by-situation basis.

(06:20):

If you have an opportunity to travel to your company's office or go on small team retreats, or even if you just have [00:06:30] other coworkers who live within the surrounding like three hours or something, it is possible to meet up in person and at least get a little bit of a sense of your team and form some of those connections.

(06:42):

Alternatively, you can make an effort to meet your coworkers remotely and become friends with them that way.

(06:51):

For example, one of the remote-only companies I worked for during the pandemic, one of my coworkers and I, we started just having, I think [00:07:00] it was bi-weekly coffee chats.

(07:03):

And we'd just take a break for maybe 15 or 30 minutes and just have a coffee and chitchat about what's going on in the company or big projects we have going on. And learning a bit about each other outside of work as well, talking about our hobbies, our pets.

(07:20):

That was a surprisingly really good way to kind of befriend her. But I think the key to that is it really helps to do it in a one-on-one [00:07:30] scenario if you're trying to hang out with a coworker remotely.

(07:34):

I think if you get too many people on a live stream, it starts to feel more like a webinar and not as much like a chill conversation. But that is something that for me at least, has worked in the past.

(07:47):

In terms of actually getting out of the house and being in the world more, I think one of the better options is actually the different kinds of Facebook groups that exist. Maybe [00:08:00] that's a very millennial thing to lean towards, I don't know. But in the city I live in, there are a lot of Facebook groups for people like myself who do work remotely or who have just moved to the area and want to find a new friend group, to go out and meet other people in public.

(08:19):

The ones that I personally prefer to join are the women's only groups. In a lot of cities, there'll be "ladies of this city", "ladies of [00:08:30] this neighborhood."

(08:31):

And that's not to say that I am opposed to having guy friends, it's just that, especially when you're kind of trying to put yourself out there again and just relax and make friends, it can just kind of remove some of that extra layer of stress and having to navigate social situations.

(08:52):

I really like going to the women's only groups because I know there's not going to be anyone there hitting on me or [00:09:00] potentially misconstruing a situation.

(09:02):

For example, I went on a hike the other week with one of these Facebook groups. I did not realize that this group was a co-ed group. There were a lot of women there, small portion of men. Maybe 10 of the 30 of us that showed up for this hike—which is a very good outcome by the way—maybe about 10 of them were guys.

(09:21):

And that's fine, and there wasn't really a problem with anything. But as I'm hiking and talking to the one [00:09:30] girl who's walking beside me, this guy kept offering me his hand to help me down from rocks and whatever.

(09:41):

And it's a small thing, and you could look at it as like, "Oh, he's trying to be nice," but no. No other girl is out there offering me her hand to help me walk.

(09:53):

And I wasn't struggling, by the way. I can hike just fine. But it's [00:10:00] one of those things where it's like, I don't even want to be in that mindset of like, "Okay, don't look at anyone too long. Don't laugh too much at a joke. You don't want some guy to think that you're interested when you're not."

(10:13):

If you're going out on a date, great, whatever. That's a totally different scenario than when you're just looking for platonic friendships. So, for me personally, I like to stick to the women's only groups, or at the very least, if I were to go to a co-ed group, I would go with other [00:10:30] women that I know, or at least one female friend.

(10:33):

I think I could probably make a whole episode on just the nuances of Facebook groups and navigating them and how to get the most out of them and when to back away from them. So maybe that's a topic for another episode.

(10:45):

But by and large, I do really enjoy the Facebook group socialization. There's a lot of different events that people put together in my city. A lot of them are happy hour events or, like I said, hiking.

(10:59):

Sometimes [00:11:00] just connecting with people with a similar interest, even if it's something like "women who like to work out," "women in their 30s," "in a certain neighborhood of the city," it can be fun to just go to brunch and chitchat and meet some new people.

(11:15):

Maybe you'll hit it off with someone. Maybe you'll leave feeling kind of like, "Oh, I don't think that was really my group." But I think what really, really helps is to not be looking for your BFF.

(11:30):

[00:11:30] It's totally natural and normal and great to want to have friends and want to be social. I think we all know humans are just a very social species, but in the modern era, it's very hard to fulfill that kind of social aspect that we need without other things coming into play. Whether it be work or mental health disorders.

(11:54):

I know I had had social anxiety for a long time pre-Covid. It didn't even have [00:12:00] anything to do with Covid. I just didn't really want to put myself out there. I wasn't comfortable being in new situations and trying to make new friends, and I would just give up before I even started.

(12:11):

Which, if you listen to my episode on starting new things, that's kind of a common theme for me is before I even make the effort, I feel like "This is pointless. Why should I even try?" Which is not a great way to think.

(12:25):

And through trying to be more social and trying to make new friends, [00:12:30] I think I am slowly—maybe not reversing that mindset—but I'm definitely learning how to navigate around that mindset.

(12:40):

And anytime I go anywhere, I still have a second where I'm like, "Maybe I just stay home, maybe I won't go." But it's telling yourself, "No, I'm going to go. I'm going to socialize. And at the very least when I come back later, I can feel like, hey, I made an effort."

(12:54):

But yeah, I think it's really helpful to just go out with [00:13:00] the expectation that you're going to go out and try something new, and that's good. I don't think it's helpful to go out to try to make friends and be like, "Oh my God, who wants to be best friends? Who wants to exchange numbers? Who wants to follow me on Instagram? Who wants to follow me on my socials?"

(13:17):

It's a little too desperate, and I've definitely been in a place where I feel like, "Right now, let me go meet up with this group of girls, let me really make a connection with someone and get that best [00:13:30] friend." But in a lot of cases, I think just going out and socializing is a lot more valuable than we give it credit for.

(13:42):

We just want these deeply close friendships. But you can't just get that out of thin air. You don't just show up and like, "Oh, we're best friends."

(13:50):

Some of the best friends I've ever made, sure when I met them the first time or first couple times, there was definitely something about our personalities [00:14:00] and our sense of humor that drew us to be friends quicker than other people, but it still wasn't just like an overnight thing.

(14:08):

So I think patience is really important, and just accepting that there are going to be things that you don't like about every person you meet, but that doesn't need to exclude them from potentially being a friend. Which is also something I've really struggled with.

(14:24):

It used to be if I met someone and enjoyed their company [00:14:30] and then, I don't know, they have an annoying personality trait, or they just do something that I don't like, I would kind of just write them off completely and be like, "Oh, well, we're not going to be friends. Okay, I'll move on to the next person and try to be friends with them."

(14:44):

But that's, again, not helpful, and I don't think I'm such a ray of sunshine that there aren't things wrong with me, too. I think the way you form real meaningful friendships, and relationships in general, is that [00:15:00] you accept there's good and bad things about your personality, and there's good and bad things about other people. And you just kind of learn what you are willing to be friends with some people for or in what situations.

(15:17):

And maybe where you don't want to be friends with them. If you have a friend who, every time she goes out, she gets super, super, super drunk and belligerent and mean, yeah, probably [00:15:30] not going to want to go out with her that much. But hey, maybe when she's sober, she's a fun hiking partner.

(15:36):

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, which is probably the most valuable thing that I've learned in recent years and is what has allowed me to keep going out and trying to be social.

(15:48):

Even if I go to an event and feel like, "I don't really like anyone here," I can still go to the next one and still enjoy that interaction with other people and [00:16:00] come back home and feel better and feel like I'm doing my part to make sure that potential friends can find me and I'm making an effort to find them as well.

(16:11):

I think just some other kind of closing tips about how to give yourself the best shot of finding people that you want to be friends with and connecting with them, especially working remote, is it's really important to find something that you have in common [00:16:30] with other people. Because it's probably not going to be your job. That's probably not going to be the thing that brings you together if you're a remote employee.

(16:37):

But if you have a hobby, for example, podcasting, I have found other people, if not directly interested in podcasting, they like other things related to podcasting that we have in common and we can talk about. They might be a content creator in another sense, and we can kind of relate about the struggles [00:17:00] of building a website from scratch, what platforms to use, how it's hard to just deal with people on the internet, things like that.

(17:09):

But if you have something that you're passionate about, finding other people who share that passion is a really great way to hone in on who your people are.

(17:20):

And last but not least, I think that—easier said than done—but it is important to show up [00:17:30] as your authentic self when you are trying to make friends. If you show up and you're pretending that you have all your shit together and oh, you don't have any problems in your life, oh, things are good. Or you're just acting in a way that you think will make other people like you, you might make a friend or two that way. But you're probably not going to really like them back and be able to have a meaningful friendship with them because [00:18:00] they're not people who are actually attracted to who you really are.

(18:05):

For me, for example, I am a little bit awkward, but also I will just say some pretty off-the-wall shit sometimes. I have a pretty dark sense of humor and I don't mind cursing. I don't mind talking about potentially vulgar subjects, I guess.

(18:28):

For example, I was at a brunch [00:18:30] last weekend and we were talking about having male versus female physicians, and I was like, "Oh, I've had a male gynecologist before. He was so gentle because, I realized, he had no idea what any of that felt like. Whereas the female OBGYNs I've had, they might as well be like, fisting your esophagus."

(18:51):

I would still prefer a female OBGYN, but I don't know. There's something to be said for having an OBGYN [00:19:00] who does not know what it feels like to have a pap smear, because I think they know that it hurts and they're so gentle. At least the one I had was.

(19:08):

But all that is to say a lot of people might not want to hear that at brunch, and I'm sure probably about 50% of the table did not really find that appropriate, or were probably like, "Wow, that girl's weird."

(19:22):

But I can tell you that there were also probably two girls there who were laughing their asses off, and I was like, "Oh, those are my [00:19:30] people. They get my weird sense of humor and they're not offended."

(19:34):

But yeah, just be who you are and if you feel a little bit awkward afterwards, whatever. At least you know that you showed up as who you are. And if nothing else, you did yourself the favor of not wasting time trying to befriend people who ultimately are not going to accept you.

(19:54):

Granted, I feel like it's very easy to sit here and say that; doing it is another thing entirely. And it can [00:20:00] feel very vulnerable, awkward in the moment, but I don't think you need to put that pressure on yourself of, "I need to go out and I need to make my best friend here in this city. I need to find her."

(20:12):

It's too much pressure. It's like going on a first date trying to get married. Just don't do that to yourself. Just try to go and have fun.

(20:20):

So all that said, this is where I'm going to leave you today. If you are struggling to make friends, either because you work remotely or some [00:20:30] other reason, just know that you're not alone.

(20:32):

A lot of us really want to make those really deep, fulfilling friendships, and it's a difficult thing to do, especially in this day and age. We're all kind of absorbed in our phones and social media and things are kind of surface-level, and then of course the pandemic didn't help.

(20:51):

But if you feel like you're never going to make friends or it's just, it's too hard, I promise it's not [00:21:00] too hard. It just takes putting yourself out there and trying a little bit.

(21:05):

Never put yourself in a situation where you don't feel safe, but it's okay to get out there and just socialize, try to have a friendly interaction with other people and say, "That was good enough for me for today. I'm going to go home." That is enough some days.

(21:23):

If you can relate to anything I've talked about in this episode, I would also love to know that [00:21:30] I'm not alone in feeling this way. Please leave a comment if you're watching this on YouTube.

(21:35):

Or, if you are listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or any other audio streaming platform, let me know what your experiences have been finding friends.

(21:45):

I would love to know how old you are, generally, because I am really interested in how difficult making friends is becoming in the teenage age groups, as well as the 20s, 30s, 40s, and on. I am just kind of interested [00:22:00] in how that breakdown is working. But yeah, I would love to hear about your experiences.

(22:05):

If you're listening to this on Spotify, you can respond to the form that is in the show notes of this episode. Let me know if there's anything else you want me to cover or just tell me about your experiences trying to make friends in this insane world.

(22:21):

As always, please, please rate and review and subscribe to every podcast that you even remotely enjoy, because [00:22:30] many of us plan out all this time to make these episodes for you purely because we really enjoy doing it and we value the kind of personalities that would listen to something like this. So please just share a little love back with us. It really helps motivate us and helps keep us going.

(22:49):

So please rate, review, and subscribe to every podcast that you like. It would really mean so much to those creators.

(22:55):

And yeah, thank you again for being here today, and I will see you in the next [00:23:00] episode.